Sprinkler

I've realized a relationship can be a lot like running through a sprinkler. During, it's so fun and exciting. A nice and refreshing experience. But then when you have to get out, for whatever reason- your mom's calling you, you're too cold, your friends want to go somewhere else- when you get out it's really cold. Really cold and wet. You stay uncomfortable and agitated for a while, waiting for your clothes to dry. Then time passes and... you're dry. At that point... well, I don't know how it feels. I'm not there yet. I assume you're okay again. Or maybe that's not how it works. I don't know. I've also realized it's not so bad not knowing what the next stage feels like. It's okay being frustrated and mildly damp right now. Time and money take care of most things. I haven't got the latter, so I guess the prior will do.

I thought of this when I ran through a sprinkler this morning. I'm mostly dry now.

I suggest...

You are so much more than they could ever become. You know that. You know you will rise so much higher than anyone thought you could go. You have everything in you to do it- and you will use all of it. You’ve survived all this time and now it’s time to live. So face the things that are hindering your tools. Think about what a terrible person your mother was for leaving her children. Think about how blind your biological father was for not seeing what every dad should see. Think about how unfair your father was for treating you like so much less than you are. Shame on them all. Put yourself in the darkest and most painful places that you’ve been to. Revisit them. Let the wind sweep the rocks and dust into your skin and beat the hail upon your shoulders while your worst fears and most hurtful memories manifest around you. Stay there. Stay there and don’t come out until the light of your reasoning and strength break through and offer you a ladder to your own salvation. It won’t be quick, or enjoyable, but the feeling when you get out and can wield the tools of your talent, character and spirit will be so beyond worth all the suffering you’ll face. David, you must put yourself there. You’ve never needed anyone, to survive. You don’t need anyone, to live. 

A Piece of New England

Many colleges have denied me, now. Most of them. This has elicited many feelings.

Maybe it's just me attempting to come to terms or truly some guidance of energies, but I feel like I'm being led. Nowhere on the west coast accepted me and New York and Connecticut weren't too fond of me either. But Massachusetts... My top choice for college is there: Boston University. They denied me. But University of Massachusetts: Boston didn't. Right there in the middle of a city I fell in love with from long ago, a train ride away from everyone I love and offering a state-college education that can only bring me further than I am now. Not only do these college decisions make me feel like I'm being led, but a strange, much stronger, sensation has been coming over me that, to be honest, started from much before any university had anything to say about me:

The thought of Massachusetts is starting to feel more and more like home than California. I grew up in California. I was devoted to that piece of land. I swore I'd come back when I got the chance. Well, my senior year ends in May; I could buy my tickets to San Diego now, have my things packed for summer and be completely registered in the southern California community college system for the Fall semester. But I'm not even considering that. I never honestly did. It seems though over these past many months California has become more of an ambiguity in my sentiments. It's been the same intense change of feeling as if I've been a hardcore atheist and am now being saved by the word of God. Or, at least what I would imagine that to be like. So far the word of God, or a team of very intelligent story-tellers, hasn't come to my rescue.

Maybe someday I'll go back- when I'm not so afraid of how my hometown's changed in my absence. I want it to be the same beautiful, glorious, kind, simple, Schwarzenegger state I spent my first decade of life in. But I know it won't be. And the people I knew have changed. Not necessarily for the better, in my opinion, from what I can surmise from Facebook. Maybe I'll go back when it's become something totally new that I won't associate with the fuzzy, sunny memories of my youth.

But for now, home's become something I never really thought it would be: a piece of New England.